One of the many things I learned during orientation to this PA program back in August 2011, was that I would fail, at something and that it was okay to fail. During the didactic portion of my education my classmates and I took well over 100 exams during the course of 18 months, somehow I passed all of these. Most, I even did well on. I hadn't failed anything except a few pop quizzes that I hadn't studied for prior to the pop, which didn't particularly affect my grade or my confidence because I knew I would know the information once I had time to sit with it and study it appropriately. Although I do not necessarily fear failure, I fear the consequences of failure. These are the things that keep me nauseated waiting for an exam grade. During didactic year these consequences meant having to stay during our much cherished breaks to retake an exam, during rotations this means returning to school to retake the exam. The stakes with retakes are higher, and we are required to receive a higher grade to pass.
Two weeks ago I failed an exam. I felt under prepared for both end of rotation exams (this was a common theme among all of my classmates) and I think it was because these were the first EORs we were taking. We didn't know what to expect but we did know there was A LOT of information on each one. In classic Kasaundra style, it took me a while to process. I was studying hard and it took a minor incident totally unrelated to the exam to push me over the edge. I finally broke. I felt vulnerable and scared and alone. I sent Tracey (clinical coordinator) an email because if I called I would cry harder, asking for guidance and encouragement. As I expected, she was amazing and said the words I needed to hear/read. Two hard weeks of long clinic hours, a lot of studying and a little sleep I had to retake this exam. I had to fly back to the bay for the exam monday, fly back monday night to be in clinic on Tuesday. The consequences of a second exam failure are high, I would fail the rotation and have to repeat it before I would receive my diploma in a year. After my exam I still felt very nervous.
Yesterday I had a great day in clinic. I was at a facility for the second time, it was nice to be in a semi-familiar place. The patients as always were great to talk with, I was able to follow up with two patients I saw last week, and they both seemed to be doing better. In the afternoon I was reading a chart of a patient that was at the SNF (skilled nursing facility, we say "sniff" for short) because he was hospitalized for bowel impaction/constipation and he needed to figure out his bowel routine before returning home for his wife to care for him. He was on a medication called GoLytely, used for bowel prep/cleansing or in the case of severe constipation to induce a softer bowel movement and possibly diarrhea. If this med was given to anyone without constipation it would cause severe diarrhea. I was giggling a little as I was reading, I dont know why but the name of this medication made me very happy. Just then, I heard a woman in the hall (who I cannot see) yelling "JUST LET ME SIT DOWN," the physical therapist calmly says "you have 10 more steps until you are at the chair to sit down." Again "WHY WONT YOU LET ME SIT DOWN." And I lost it, I realized in that moment that I am falling in love with geriatrics. I was giggling loud enough that Dr. Addison stopped what he was doing to see why I was so amused, I explained and we had a nice heart warming giggle together. My day was great and a distraction for the wait until my exam grade was posted.
I PASSED! I have proven competency in pediatrics and obgyn and never want to be in that boat again. I feel this failure has allowed me to understand how grateful I should be for all the times that I have done well on an exam. I have learned how much I need to be studying in addition to clinic hours. I have learned that I have a rally of cheerleaders standing behind me, and just how grateful I am for their support. And I have learned that it is okay to fail but I dont want to do this again. I have gotten back up, wiped off my scrapped knees, put my ego in check and these wounds will heal with time and some care.
I was looking for a quote to end this post and there were a lot that spoke to me, but this one gave me a wide smile because in one year I will be graduating, I am looking forward to that success!
"Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor."
-Truman Capote
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