Joy and Pain

As I was studying in a coffee shop in Arcata this morning I was pondering ideas for this blog post. Then it came to me. In one 8-12 hour day in clinic I can experience complete euphoric joy and also intense emotional pain. Yesterday, was one of those days. I had several patients who, when I finished I felt I had helped, then at 3:00 pm I walked into a room with a couple I would spend the rest of my day with. As a provider it is incredibly frustrating to spend a lot of time trying to diagnose a patient, ordering xrays and labs, doing chart review, spending time obtaining a thorough history to have this patient, whom you have decided needs to go the emergency room via ambulance, decide to leave the clinic against medical advice to go home and come back in the morning, simply because they are tired of waiting. And although I have to go home at the end of the day knowing I did everything I could for that patient, I still fear that they will call an ambulance in the middle of the night and not make it to the ER in time or simply fall asleep and never wake up again. I feel guilt for the unknown outcome, but hopeful that this patient will indeed have an uneventful night and be back in the morning. Most days I can leave my work at work. I can shed the emotions when I take off my white coat, but yesterday I couldn't. I have wednesdays off, so I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow morning to learn how this patient is doing. Feeling these emotions is not particularly fun, but it confirms, for me, that I love what I am doing!